There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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