Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
