she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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