38 yer olds are good kisserssss
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
