I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
