How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
we're making bets on your personal life
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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