I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
