Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
