I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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