Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
