I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
