why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
