I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
