I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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