I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Randomize
