I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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