She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
