Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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