You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize