i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
