There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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