Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
