is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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