Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
These tits shall not be calmed
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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