I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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