get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
