Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
