Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Soap is not a condiment
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
