I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
