So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
