your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
