he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
