Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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