Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
