i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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