u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
