the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
