if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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