life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
how drunk are you?
Several
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
