i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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