i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
did i walk over a car last night?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
