i wish starbucks made bloody marys
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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