2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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