I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
