I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
