just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
