Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
