We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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