take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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