there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
