Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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