Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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