I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
