I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
i think my cat just said my name.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
