You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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