Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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